trying again for consistency

This is my friend, Phil. Hold on a sec - have to get charging cord for this laptop. Ok, connected and charging. I have been sitting in the chair in Benny's room at least an hour now, waiting for him to fall alseep. If he is not yet asleep when I am done with this entry I will cop out and lie at the bottom of his bed. I already made sure my alarm is back on for the work day tomorrow.

My relationship with my mom was not the kind of close some people, some women may have with their moms. Eve though mom passed some unhealed issues on to me, I do think our relationship was better than what she had with her mom. So, being my mom, I did talk to her on the phone on a regular basis once I was in college, then out, living with Ben, and then, on my own with my kids once I was divorced. Mom the the one whom I called to just say little things - I think it made it more real. Mom's been gone now, died at age 69; not sure how many years at the time blurs for me. I wasn't sure off and on whether I turned 46 or 47 this February on my birthday. So, now, Phil is the person I call, email, text, or even email via smart phone these days. Phil and I were dating for three years. We remain friends. He is the current person in my life that knows me the best, to whom I ever show my vulnerable side.

Phil was hiking days trips from VA to NH in this pic. Not sure where he is in this. He emailed it to me. I love his beard. He was here the other day. I had car trouble. I had Ashley follow me to the car garage to drop off m car and take me back home. I called Phil to ask if he would drive me to work, pick me up from work and get him to my house to wait for Benny's van and get me to the orthodontist to get Eliza because Ashely had to leave her for her own appointment. Phil did just that - good guy to me he is. When he came in, I admire his beard. I took off his baseball cap to see how short or not short his hair is. He has a think thinking it needs to be very short because he has a bald spot, but I love it long enough to curl and the bald spot does not bother me - I told him to never swoop hair over it - that would be the only thing that would make a bald spot an issue. Everytime I am with Phil, I look at Phil, I see his eyes, I see his heart and soul in his eyes. I love his voice, his laugh, his walk. I am better than I have ever been being his friend, not his girlfriend, but I still miss him. He is important to me.

The consistency: supporting Benny in falling asleep in his own bed, cooking dinners, eating healthy, some form of personal exercise. I get on a small and manageable successful roll and it leaves.

Today, more deeply my reality hit me. That I am not wealthy enough to buy this home, that getting Kayla off to college will be a challenge, that saying I want to go to grad school to get a Master's to get a higher paying job is far easier than doing it on top of raising Benny and working.

I don't know .......