on my mind

This kid in on my mind today now that I am done scraping painted-over wallpaper. Benny is eating crusts off multiple pieces of bread. He is hungry and has not eaten enough of several things I offered him. Eliza is going up and down the steps, hanging out in her room. Kayla is out hiking with her Big Sister at the moment. I am dressed and about to run a few errands with Benny in tow.

So, eldest child, child #1, Kayla is on my mind - her and the idea of her going to college. Somehow along the way, she grew up. She will be 18 in April. I wonder if her just recently taking driver's ed is more a subconscious denial on my part that she is growing up than it is about my challenge with creatively prioritizing my money and time as a divorced mom. I love the young woman, the first born that was with me without any siblings for 3 years, the child I learned with first and made mistakes with. She has applied to out-of-state colleges: Alaska, Montana, South and North Dakota. She apparently wants to go far away. Is it far away from me, the woman in the mom she does not want to become, thinks she will never become any parts similar to me, my maternal flawed parenting, her small family that is basically me and her siblings, one a brother with severe autism? A while ago, I did tell her I want her to go away to college and to live beyond college, should she want, because someday it will be she and her sister making the decisions for her brother once I am gone. I meant that and at the same time, I am feeling a dread about any such reality of it.

How do I drink in all the years that are gone, done? The years she was growing up and while I was parenting her and enjoying her as much as I knew how, could,  while I was also doing many other things such as working, painting rooms in the house, gardening, figuring out how to be in relationships, figuring out who I am, what I want, how to be healthy and strong and care about myself. How do I listen to her know and deeply understand her when what she thinks about and understands is different than what is my brain, my thoughts? How do I impart any wisdom to her that will matter for her life - not my life? I am still doing lots of things such as scraping wall paper, painting, tending to her autistic brother, learning skills I did not learn years ago like doing my taxes, working at a job, figuring out relationships, how to be in one, how to have one, figuring out myself.

I love this young woman. I really do.