wondering

I slept poorly last night. Does caffeine in Coke do this to me now, after all these years? I had only one - two Cokes, I think. I woke up and gained clear thinking sooner than last Monday morning. There is some habit going on Sundays that impacts my sleep.

My son has off from school on Wednesday while my schools have a half day. I was hoping to take him to work with me. I work at therapeutic schools. I have seen other people's children at work. I felt it was too much to ask while also wondering how it had worked for the others, so I asked. I then processed with one very kind co-worker all the sides of such an issue and then, sent an apology email to my supervisors at both schools for putting them in such an awkward position by asking.

How does one know when it is right or wrong, on what plane of right and wrong, such things are? Is it right to have your child at work on a short day only, only when the students are not in attendance, or only if your child is neurotypical and not disabled in any way?

I am not angry. I am not feeling like a victim. I am grateful to work at a position in which I still have my position when I do have to take off with my son - when his school is closed for snow, when he is sick, to take him to a dental appointment, doctor's appointment, psychopharm appointment. He will always need a parent's assistance and supervision. He will never become an age he can come home to an empty house, stay home alone when he is ill.

While I am grateful for my work, I am also itching to have a position that uses more of my brain consistently than my brain is used now .... consistently, problem-solving, supporting and moving forward in some fashion with a student...being a part of growth, progress.

Does this internal struggle continue underneathe in my daily walk and a day comes I have to choose Ben goes residential and I grow or I do not grow and keep Ben home. What I want is to keep Ben home, find my way to more support and help with and for him, his making progress and my growing as well. I do not see that in place today. So, I had tears on my drive home from work....quiet tears.

Ben's home ABA (applied behavior analyst) therapist is coming today. ABA is the method used to teach children such as Ben. We will be working (what has been the same work for some time) on getting Ben to eat oatmeal, the vacuum cleaner desensitization, and some recreational skills. How unfair that not only can autism rob a person of the ability to communicate and understand communication, but also, because of that, the ability to learn how to play, do self-care and yet the same autistic brain craves stimulation of some sort, people and relationships of some sort.